Goals without an Outcome

A few weeks ago I participated in a teleconference, one of the things that was focused on was working towards your goal but not being attached to an outcome. I've heard this saying numerous times before. My response has always been yeah right. For me they were one in the same. If they weren't how would you ever know when you have reached your goal?
Goal: Lose weight
Outcome: Weight loss, smaller clothes size

Goal accomplished outcome received, see one in the same.

Last week I was talking to a Yoga Master who said almost the exact same thing "focus on the goal and don't be attached to the outcome"!  The same message, apparently there was a lesson of some sort I was supposed to pay attention too. Since it was only the two of us I explained my inability to separate the two concepts. She said it is because I am always attached to an outcome and by doing so I'm actually having a disconnect with what I want and the energy I am giving off. I'd been unknowingly self sabotaging!
Goal: Lose weight
Outcome: Weight loss
Energy output while working towards goal: frustration at not losing weight, repeating I'm not losing weight, I'm fluffy, my clothes don't fit, etc.
Result: no weight loss, goal not currently achieved

The harder I worked towards my goal with no results the more negativity I was putting out! But being the eternal optimist I was still working towards my goal. We talked about the "bigger goals" I'm working towards. My bigger goal in releasing weight (subconsciously if you lose something you want to find it, if you release it, you are letting it go, freeing yourself from it) is to be healthier.
My new outlook on goals & outcomes is shifting and I've now added in benefits, positive kudos to keep me focused on my goals & not the outcomes
Goal: Be healthier
Outcome: I'm healthier
Benefits on my journey towards my goal: I'm stronger than ever, weight is falling off, learning new things, eating healthier

Instead of focusing on the fact I'm not releasing the weight as quickly as I had anticipated. I'm celebrating what I have accomplished. I'm finding my abdominal muscles, I can hold the plank position for almost two minutes since my core is much stronger, I have more endurance when working out, this is leading to longer workouts, which is making my body crave healthier food options because the last thing I want after working out is a candy bar (cake maybe we all have our weaknesses)!  

Now that I know how I should be approaching selecting my goals I'm doing it correctly (it's working this way for me right now when it stops working I'm sure I'll get another lesson). I'm striving towards my goals and not being attached to an outcome. This is still hard for I've had years of doing it another way with another mindset.  This new mindset is making me happier and my goals much more attainable, at least on paper it's only been a week!  I hope this works for you with your goals on your journey too!  

Falling down and getting back up

In every election, there are winners and losers.  We all know this, and we accept it pretty easily, but we don't often think about what it takes to be a gracious loser.  This morning, I got a great first hand look at one.

A friend of mine ran for our local school board, and this morning, we found out that she didn't win.  Yes, we're all disappointed, because those of us who supported her really believed in her and her ideas.  It's not the end of the world, though, as she was quick to point out. She can still make change, do what she thinks is right, and make this a positive experience.  She can try again, and she is certainly not without a voice.  She just isn't going to do that from the seat on the school board.

It's been really inspiring to watch.  She has been graceful and gracious in defeat. She also isn't defeated in spirit. That's important.  We all lose at things in life, we all fall down, but we can choose to get back up and try again or take a different route or learn form our missteps. We don't have to wallow. We don;t have to give up, and we can always change our minds.

When we are looking to create something new, we need to be realistic about what happens if we don't succeed.  We have choices when things go bad, and we have to keep that in mind. How we deal with life's ups and downs defines us, and gives us opportunity to change and grow in ways we often don't consider until we have failed at something.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

They say it comes from within

We've all heard numerous sayings about how change comes from within, be the change you want to see in the world, like attracts like, etc. I'm all for that theory!  I try to hold onto my positive energy vibe.  What we put out attracts, where your mind goes energy flows! I've read my fair share of self-help books if you couldn't tell!  We've all had this proven true when we get something we want and we feel amazing like we're on cloud nine! It's almost scary how one action can change our whole attitude good or bad in an instant! 

What happens when life throws you a curve ball? You'd think by now I'd be able to handle setbacks (hiccups as I refer to them because in the overall scope of life they are just one minimal moment) with grace, but that's not always the case. When hiccups have occurred in my life, if they are something I've created or have some control over I have no problem changing them or at least changing the way I react to them.  I try to step outside of myself and look at the situation from a different view point. I'll ask friends, seek professional help, meditate, take up a new activity, dance, play music, try different modalities (I just took my first Dahn Yoga class yesterday) or find a creative outlet. 

Sometimes no matter what I try I still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin! I can't change the situation or get out of my energy rut! I feel lost, like I'm flailing around at the mercy of everyone else; especially when the situation I'm in is caused by others. As much as I would like to believe we can persuade others to do what we want, we all have our own free will or there is some protocol that has to be followed in order to get a result. It's those moments that remind me the only thing I have control over is how I feel.

I try new things not previously tried (this time around). I'll go to the park to relive my youth. I'll even hang upside down on the monkey bars after all the extra blood to our heads could just help! After all I'm trying to get out of my head and back into my heart. Eventually something works if only temporarily. Learning to not over analyze, just release it and go with the flow is one of the hardest lessons! This is why we're all works in progress!  We survive and can thrive even with our battle wounds...those make us stronger and wiser for the next round! 

How do you handle life's hiccups? 

Change - it is not all hard

It's amazing how powerful change can be.  Making changes can influence how we feel about ourselves, our attitudes towards life, and even our behavior.  As difficult as it can seem, change that we willingly and willfully bring into our lives gives us a sense of empowerment and reminds us that we are capable of influencing the world around us.  If change seems too scary, start small. It's okay to build your confidence, to stretch out transitions, or to take baby steps.  Just making the change is a brave act.

When our lives get to a point where we are just going through the motions, surviving not thriving, it's time for change! 

There is no point in remaining miserable, uncomfortable or frustrated if there is another option that is much more favorable to our overall well being.  How we change our lives can be subtle or dramatic, and it can be something we embrace or struggle with. It's up to us to decide how we handle change.

There are many ways to make a change.  A big change is going to have an immediate effect that everyone around you can see.  If your life needs a complete overhaul, radical types of changes might be exactly what you want and need.  You can go back to school for a new career, leave a relationship that's unhealthy, or move to a new community.  Of course, not all of us need something this drastic.  If you need something more subtle, there are plenty of options for making change on many, many levels.  You can make physical changes like changing your appearance- lose weight, change your hair, adopt a new style or pick a nail polish that's it out of your comfort zone.  You can try changing your inner landscape through the practice of meditation or mindfulness, therapy, gratitude or other inner transformation techniques.  We can also transform our environments: paint a room, bring in some seasonal decorations, rearrange your space, get a plant or a pet (if your lifestyle permits). 

Whatever degree of change you make, it'll have a ripple effect on your life. The old saying, "if it ain't broke don't fix it" doesn't mention that if you don't make changes your life can't improve..."out with the old in with the new!"  Often taking that leap ends up with results that are equal to or better than our expectations!  Be fearless...make a change! 

Inspire

We've all had that "Ah Ha" moment when you get an idea, when you've finally figured out the solution to your current query, when the light bulb about your head suddenly turns on...that's inspiration! I know some may say coming up with a solution to a problem isn't inspiration but it is to me. Once I've accomplished that my thoughts have awakened and are generally building up momentum! I often have what I refer to as "accidental inspiration", when I see something or someone doing an activity which starts up my creative juices or when I'm doing something that prompts others to be inspired!

We all need inspiration without it nothing would have evolved. Inspiration alone is not enough, it's learning to take the thoughts in our head and manifest them into reality. We've all been inspired to make something, when it appears to be doable without major construction, I tend to jump in both feet first! This has lead me to tackle new tasks, take several new classes, not all of them academic but definitely a learning experiences! A few months ago I was inspired to reupholster my couch (I've been cat sitting & the house guests clawed my couch to the point I couldn't take it anymore). I took on the task of reupholstering it. I figured worst case scenario I'd need to acquire a new couch but that was the point I was at anyways. I was successful! It was not as difficult as I had imagined but much more time consuming than I had planned (whoever assembled the couch originally was staple & nail happy)! Since my friends have seen what I accomplished, they've been inspired to reupholster their furniture...I've been recruited by them as well.

I inspire and become inspired by movement on a rather frequent basis. I'm that person who dances down the aisles of the store because the song moves me. I tend to also accompany it with singing under my breath since I wouldn't want to wound bystanders. "There's always time to dance" as far as I'm concerned and I'm not even claiming to do it well! The other day I was waiting for my friend to get something out of her car. I was standing on the sidewalk doing the yoga tree pose when a lady walked by. She commented that she could never do that. I replied with yes you can and it doesn't matter if you can't balance on one leg some days trees sway more than others more than others! Next thing I knew we were both trees on the sidewalk!  She told me that was more fun than she thought and she's now going to look into taking yoga.

We never want to lose our spark! It's important to take time daily or at least be open to things that inspire us. It helps our journey in connecting! So go out and dance, sing, paint, invent a new item, reupholster your couch, whatever you can can to inspire and get inspired...it's contagious! 

We love being inspired! How do you inspire or get inspired?

Celebrate!

There are so many ways to celebrate. It's made sitting down to write this really hard because I have so many great examples from my life, and life with Heather.  We've celebrated big things, like births and marriages and graduations.  We've celebrated little things like me surviving public speaking that I was not prepared for or Heather cleaning off her dining table.  We celebrate for no particular reason sometimes, too.

Celebrations are affirmations of the good of life.  They can be huge, grand events, or quiet moments.  Some of them are meticulously planned and sometimes they just happen.  All that counts is that we acknowledge the happiness, strength, and successes of our lives, because they are the moments that prove we can change, we can triumph, and we can reach our goals and milestones no matter what is in our way.

Heather and I once threw a Farmer's Market party this called for my good china and silver.

Here are few of my favorite celebrations from over the years, in no particular order:

• A car picnic with my son, who was four at the time.  He had sat through his immunizations without crying or fussing. We ate grocery store sushi (his choice) in the front  seat of the car while rain poured down and we waited for his older brother to get out of school.
• My husband and I have celebrated birthdays and anniversaries with takeout and a bottle of champagne after the kids go to bed.  We light candles, put on some nice music, and have dinner when going out isn't possible.
• In my house, we celebrate every solstice and equinox. The previous season's decorations come down, and new ones go up. We eat food that is newly in season, and set a beautiful a table to sit down and enjoy the seasonal cycle.
• Treats can be an excellent celebration of perfectly ordinary, yet vital events like managing to wash, dry, and fold all thirteen loads of laundry (don't judge, I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment, so things can get out of hand quickly), an exam passed, or even to celebrate that we managed not to say something we were thinking in public.
• Alice's restaurant, near Portolla State Park was an impromptu celebration. While travelling to film one of the segments we will be putting on YouTube in the next month or so, we had an incident (one of my kids threw up in the car my husband was driving, then the car wouldn't start properly. We found ourselves at Alice's Gas Station, next to Alice's Restaurant, and inspiration struck!  As payment for all the Thanksgiving messages Heather's Uncle Chuckles (who is my step dad) likes to send with the Alice's' Restaurant song playing, all 18 and a half minutes of it, we took a picture of us in front of the sign and sent it to him.  We thought it was hilarious! My husband, not so much, but that's another story.  We took a minor set back in our plans and had fun with it.
• Midnight Margaritas (or Martinis or Mimosas)- There is a reason this scene from Practical Magic is so well liked. It's fun, it's happy, and anyone can do it!
• Dancing in the dark is a fun celebration. My kids like to go stargazing, and we always take minute or two to dance under the stars.
• Let a big "Woo hoo!"  Nobody said celebrations can't take a minute or less.
• A cup of tea, I will admit, this is Heather's. I drink tea, but I don't have a love affair with like she does. It can be a nice celebration for a cold, quiet morning, and it's even better with a good book if you ask me.
• Take a trip to celebrate. My husband and I spent a fabulous weekend driving up the Northern California coast in a borrowed Lotus for our 11th anniversary. We arranged a sitter for the kids, all weekend, and then we just wandered.  It was one of the best celebrations we've ever had! 
• Capture the moment- take a picture, write a journal entry, or just let things soak into your memory.

Celebrations can be anything that makes you happy and allows you to feel gratitude and joy. They can be spontaneous or contrived, big or small, social or solitary. We just need to do them to reap their benefit.  Every learning experience, every change, each connection, and any moment in which we embrace our situation can be something to appreciate.  We'd love to hear about your best celebrations- both big ones and small ones, so leave a comment, please!

A celebration of not cooperating

Laughing & Learning ~ another perspective

They say that laughter is the best medicine. I don't think it only needs to be used to cure ailments! Whether consciously or unconsciously I take every opportunity I can to laugh; be it at my friends, the situation or myself!  You'd think with all the laughing I do I'd have completely flat abs...but not so much!

In preparation for writing this I was in need of inspiration, Mandy sent me some articles from  her other blog. I read them; then responded "this is why you got learn then laugh & I get laugh then learn."  She then sent me an article that I had written for her blog over a year ago. I read the first sentence and was laughing hysterically. Laughing at what I wrote, laughing at the experience it took me back to and what I'd learned and have carried forward in my life from then onward.  My life seems to be filled with shenanigans that are not always my fault but often orchestrated by me accidentally of course!  And by accident, I've learned something in the midst of my laughter.

With everything that's going on in my life I try my best to see the upside of the situation. I'm the glass is half-full person, always the eternal optimist!

I'm currently taking a pottery class something I haven't done since college. I don't remember throwing clay being this tough previously. I was trying to center clay on the wheel the other day and by the time I finally accomplish this over half of what I started with was in the discard pile. I was covered in slip, it was even in my hair!  What was going to be something large and amazing turned out to be small and so different from my initial vision. I find that working with clay is rather similar to dealing with people. It has to be handled gently, it has a memory and very often you have to go much slower than anticipated (I tend to want to be speed racer; I prefer instant gratification as opposed to waiting patiently). 

I laugh at the process, this has made it easier for me to learn.  Recently, I was thanked by one of my classmates that my laughter has become contagious. I've developed new friendships (I'm now the pseudo daughter for the women in the class) and have learned much more than I would have anticipated. I value the lessons learned.

As long as you're enjoying the process and being in the moment that's the important part! Do you laugh and learn or learn and laugh? We'd love to hear about your process!

Learning and laughing- one perspective

Heather and I disagree, playfully, on how learning and laughing intersect with our rubric.  I tend to learn first, then laugh at myself, while Heather does it the other way.  The two are entwined for us, any way you slice it, though.

About a week ago, I had a learning experience I shouldn't have needed.  I didn't realize how funny it was until I was telling Heather about it and she just kept laughing about every other sentence. As I'm listening to her laugh, I'm realizing that the whole experience taught me several things, and that it was all very funny.  The lesson hadn't really hit home until I laughed about it.

My mother-in-law came to visit that weekend, and I should, after almost twenty years of dealing with her, know better than to expect things to run on time or smoothly. She's late for everything and has no qualms about disrupting other people's plans if she finds something she would rather do.  I had planned to get some work done on this project while she was in the Bay Area. I knew it was likely she would not cooperate, but I mentally planned all of it out anyhow. When she messed up my perfect schedule, I was a little irritated, but not surprised.

Telling Heather about this was an a adventure in itself.  Between my dawning realization at what I had done and said and grasping just how silly it was, I was processing my learning experience and giggling at the same time. In between guffaws, she said, "Wait, wait. Mandy. Why would you do that?"  The answer isn't pretty; I don't want to deal with my mother-in-law so I packed my mental schedule with things to do to avoid dealing with her.  Worse, I knew it wouldn't work and did it anyhow.  Heather loves to catch me in these moments because mine are less frequent but usually much bigger than hers, which means they also provide much more comedy.

Learning and laughing is important to creating a happier life. Laughter soothes the stings of life lessons, it helps us put things in perspective (without making us hurt), and it makes our stories so much more interesting by taking away their power to cloud our judgement.

Connect

What is it to connect?  It’s so easy today to avoid connecting with the people and the world around us.  We get caught up in our own minutia not realizing there is whole world interacting around us.  Connections are different for everyone.  What feels like an easy way to connect for me might seem incredibly terrifying for someone else.  I’m more of an extravert so striking up a conversation with a random person on the street, which I did last night, is just one of the numerous ways I connect with the world around me.  I make a point to go outside, take my shoes off and feel the ground underneath (I prefer sand and water but often settle for the grass in front of my apartment).  Each of these connections allows me embrace my surroundings and inspire me in different way.  I find regardless of the type of connection I’m making the most important thing is to be present in the moment.  Not thinking about what I have to do or imposing a particular outcome on the experience…just being there with all of my intention.

My car is in the shop, knowing I was going to be car-less for a day or two, I loaded my beach cruiser into my car prior to going to the repair shop.  Once done there I embraced my two mile journey home.  I confirmed that while biking I still do not like busy intersections (mental note: be more cognizant of the three foot bike law) and avoided those as much as possible, making me take a different path home.  Not going so fast I had the time to discover new treasures in my “neighborhood”.  There is a paper store with my friends name and a very unique iron works shop.  I believe there’s a hidden food establishment nearby (an adventure for another day) for the air changed from crisp, brisk, fall air to pizza filled.  I had to ride under the freeway, which sounded strangely like a train.  One intersection away from my destination, the sounds of the environment changed from industrial to laugher from the corner restaurant.  It wasn’t until that moment I realized my route had been people free.  Running errands later in the day on my bike was another adventure I again had time to take embrace my surroundings.  I complimented an elderly lady on her purple hat, I noticed Halloween decorated yards (these tend be huge sights around here since my area is filled with special effects people), I complimented two men on their progress on putting up a haunted house, it looked more like a scary clown house, to which I was invited to come back and check out the final product.  I don’t like to be scared so I told them I’d probably pass but then they invited me to be one of the ones scaring people, I said I’d think about their offer.  I was also complimented on how cute my bike was.

The compliment I received was delightful!  I re-learned that even the simplest connections have a huge impact on ones attitude and behavior and no matter how minute, have a ripple effect.  I’m making time and effort to have more connections.  I have started taking a class, have joined a support group for kids who have become caregivers (something I was completely against before), send random texts to my friends spreading my form of joy and of course I walk barefoot outside! 

There are so many ways to connect: compliment a stranger, call a friend, volunteer, write a letter (and mail it), send an unexpected text or email, smell the flowers while exploring your neighborhood and of course walk barefoot even if it is just in your house (although outside is a completely different experience)!

We love to be inspired & embrace your ideas!  Please share ways that you find connections with the people and world around you!

Embrace

I find that the only way I can change anything in my life is to first embrace it.  I have to think about, examine it, poke it with a stick a few times, and accept that it exists.  Until I embrace my situation and fully feel and understand it, I can't really start to change it.  It doesn't matter if the thing I want  to change is big like weight loss or starting a new chapter in life or something small and mundane like cleaning my desk. I have to do the survey first.

By embracing what is, we give ourselves permission, emotionally, physically, and mentally to deal with the whole situation, not just part of it. We get an opportunity to understand how things, ideas, situations, and people influence our behavior,

Take my desk for instance,  It's in my bedroom, and because I can't close the doors on it currently, the light from the monitor is keeping me up at night. It's messy, and has been for a while. There are papers, a fossil, a candle, some cords, a hammer, a pair of glasses, and some hair accessories mixed in among the pens and keyboard and office supplies.  Looking a the papers gives me a sense of when my desk started to have an issue. I was busy and just tossed the stack down on the desk, intending to deal with it later. That was three weeks ago.  The hair accessories tend to accumulate because I pull them out of my hair when I'm stressed and then put them back in my hair when it gets messy.  The cords are leftover from my husband trying to backup the data on my phone before it died for good, and most of the rest of the stuff is from taking things away from kids, picking stuff up off the floor, or rearranging the rest of the furniture in the room.

I can learn from this mess. I need to start putting things away rather than procrastinating.  That is something I've been working on for years, and while I am improving, I slip up when I get stressed or too busy.  Taking a deep breath, taking care of one task at time, and setting some boundaries for what gets tossed here will help me. I also need to make an effort to make sure the desk can be closed at night. Sleep is important to my health and sanity.  I also need to not start projects that I can't finish in a timely period when I know I don't have time for them. Now that I have embraced my mess, examined it, come to understand it, I can deal with it and the circumstances that led to it.

Embrace your situation, yourself, and your life. Whatever situation you find yourself in, big or small, if you can understand it, you can change it. Give yourself permission to really look at it for what it is, and ask yourself how you got there, why you stay, and start looking for ways to change whatever isn't working for you or is impeding your happiness.  Embracing doesn't require you to hold onto things forever, it just asks that you do it for long enough to understand, to connect, and to process the situations and circumstances you find yourself in. Once you've done that, you can move on to some other aspect of changing your life.

Introduction

Join us on our amazing journey which is made for everyone!  Why come along on this adventure?  We're just like you!  We have everyday trials and tribulations.  We've learned that if you embrace and celebrate life's hiccups and triumphs they are much easier to learn from.  Sharing our experiences connects us and helps inspire ourselves and others in all aspects of life.  This change is contagious!

A little about us & our tri-decade connection: Mandy & I met through our mothers who later became best friends.  I can't recall the initial meeting but I do recall babysitting Mandy and her two younger brothers when I was 11.  As our Mothers became closer friends our family got bigger. We were both the oldest female children in the group so of course we became friends.  Almost two decades later, Mandy's Mother married my Uncle, my Mom's brother.  This union made us cousins and more interconnected than before!  Mandy & I are rather different but we compliment each other, this allowed us to be brutally honest without hurt feelings (which in turn became self realization) that both of our lives, for different reasons, at different speeds, had deviated from the life journeys previously envisioned.  Neither one of us was entirely happy about this.  We had to make a change(s) in the direction our lives were going and in that process Exist Connected was created.  Embracing the idea that we were desperately in need of change and if we didn't help ourselves, then how could we expect anyone else too!  By changing what we could and embracing our strengths and the experiences around us, people started to take notice.  We were unknowingly inspiring others.  It was the ripple effect, we were the start.

Honing in on areas of our lives that needed to be changed we kept having the same conversation over and over again in different forms for years.  Change, Embrace, Connect, Inspire, Laugh, Learn and Celebrate kept resonating throughout.  As we started to tell others about what we had learned from our realizations; it became obvious we weren't the only ones striving for change.    

Change what doesn't work both inside and out
Embrace what is, who you are and possibility
Connect with others who are on their journey, yourself and nature
Inspire yourself and others and be open to being inspired
Laugh at life and yourself 
Learn new things, new ideas without prejudice 
Celebrate yourself, others and this journey that is life

Exist Connected will contain insights for making the journey more enjoyable for everyone.  We will be sharing ideas on everyday lifestyle tips,  places, occupations, crafts and who knows what else, we're open to inspiration?!  We are not alone on our journeys we are all connected in more ways than we realize and how we feel connected to one another varies dramatically! 

We want to make this your journey too.  Please let us know how you "connect" with the world around you and in the event you might be reluctant to try something new to connect please send us your ideas!  We'll be embracing them all!

~Heather & Mandy